There is a popular restaurant in Southern California famous for its large portions—it’s called Claim Jumper (www.claimjumper.com). There is so much food per serving that a better name for the restaurant should be Heart Stopper. Or, it could be called Weight Gainer, Stomach Pumper, or Death Sooner. I’m telling you, the portions are so huge that most normal humans can’t consume the entire content. The choice of bread is not a muffin, or roll or slice, but rather a loaf. Their staple condiment served on most dishes is an apple… of sorts. Not the normal type of apple that humans would eat, rather an apple on steroids large enough to choke a racehorse. We’re talking softball size apple. I was once tempted to throw the apple at a waiter but I didn’t want to be charged for murder. You get the point… big food and lots of it.
Unfortunately we ate at Claim Jumper tonight… wife’s choice. She actually possesses self control and can eat without feeling like she has to eat everything within arm’s length. How I wish that could be me. She likes the salad bar… which takes up the length of a semi truck bed. A lot of variety, good quality and a great meal if you’re more like her than me.
For me, I don’t like eating at Claim Jumper because it can ruin my diet for a month--it always puts me under. I’m part of the .0001 that can actually eat everything put in front of me (even the apple). I don’t need it all… I don’t even want it all… I don’t even have to like it all… but, I can always eat it all. I always finish my food. That’s how I was raised. Maybe you grew up in a similar household. When I was a child I was left feeling guilty if I didn’t clear off all the food on my plate. My mom would say, “Don’t you know there’s starving children in Africa who would love that food?” I felt shame over this statement until I was in the 6th grade… that’s when I thought to say, “Really mom? Name one. Give me the name of one starving African and I’ll believe you.” She quit using that bit, but it was too late for me. I developed the habit of eating everything on my plate, my wife’s plate, kids’ plates, and the plates of the table next to me if they left before I did. I can always eat more.
Tonight I left Claim Jumper a loser once again. I failed. I even ate the slice of lettuce that was there just to decorate my plate… it too was big, the size of a snapping turtle shell. Afterwards I needed help to the car, I stumbled into the house, rolled to computer station where I promptly did a Google search for “liposuction.” Unfortunately, they’re too expensive and not open at 9:00pm. So there I sat, guilty for over eating. Defeated. Sore. And wondering if I got stretch marks around my mouth from eating the apple.
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