Why McDonalds is so seductive and pizza is too

Every time I try to be a good dad and give my kids the choice of where to eat I’m the one who ends up paying for it—both financially and physically. My kids never choose Salad Plantation, Tofu Palace, or Mothers (a local restaurant where the motto is: “portions so small and bland that you’ll want to overeat when you get home”). Until about the age of twelve, my kids would always answer the “Where do you want to eat?” question with a shriek of “McDonalds.” Not every once in a while, but every time! The children’s automatic response has conditioned me to now ask my wife first. On the few occasions where she ignorantly says, “I don’t care” I would tell her that I needed her to care or we’d end up at McDeath.

McDonalds (www.mcdonalds.com) has a genius, trademarked air quality system that silently and secretly (until I discovered) pumps a insidious gas thru their ventilation system that actually infuses young children’s cells with an aroma that causes them to want to return. Once children are exposes to this aroma they will never feel fully alive until they return. It’s very complicated to explain and I could do a better job telling you in person, but it’s too confusing to write about in a blog of this nature. Even if a child never enter a McDonalds, they learn this “fully alive feeling” thru playground gossip. Like folklore, children pass onto other children the awe of McDonalds’ indoor playground, the marquee named Happy Meal, the free toy, the great ice cream, and the saltiest and best tasting fries on the planet. This information spreads like chicken pox and children throughout the world are inoculated at a very young age to shout out “McDonalds” to any form of “where to you want to go” type questions.

Honestly, I didn’t mind my kid’s McNasty choice until I was about 30 years old and it was obvious that my metabolism had slowed and this was made clear by random kids asking me if I was a talking Big Mac.

Well, tonight my wife graciously chose Round Table Pizza (www.roundtablepizza.com). I’m not usually a big fan of pizza places because I’m a real big fan of pizza (with an emphasis on ‘big’). I love pizza and as anyone who struggles with their weight will acknowledge, it’s difficult to just eat one slice. Thankfully, our local Round Table Pizza has a salad bar where I can make good choices. Tonight, my first choice was to order the all-you-can-eat verses the single serving salad bar. After two trips to the good, but unsatisfying bar… I chose to eat one piece of pizza. “That’s it” I said to myself. Unfortunately, I kept talking to myself, “That was such a small piece, go ahead and have another. Two small pieces is really like one normal one.” Second piece consumed. My family eats so slow and we ordered more pizza than they can eat and I hate to see food wasted, so I…. Third piece consumed. At this point, it appears that my wife saw the guilt on my face and said, “Why don’t we take the rest home for leftovers?” I quickly said, “Great idea, I’ll go get a box.” I combined the two pizzas into one small box. Though they looked too tight, too uncomfortable, too crowded in one box. The pepperoni slices were touching the Canadian bacon slices and disaster was imminent. Something had to be done. I had to intervene and fix things. I thought, “The food ship is sinking… I’m already wet, what’s a little more water? Eat.” Fourth piece consumed. Get out soon or die.

My learning for today: go to McDonalds next time... they have Happy Meals.